Procter: As you all know we are here to hear about the interesting conversation that took place between Harbhajan Singh and Andrew Symonds that no one was able to hear. Before we start the proceedings, I should make it clear that it is the duty of all players to entertain the spectators and not each other. So, in future you should be loud enough so that our strategically placed stump microphones could hear it clearly. What you all think they are for, when no umpire ever refers to the third umpire? You must understand that it would increase the TRPs of our broadcasters. That’s how you would get ads. Sachin, at least you should understand.

Sachin: Aaila...You are absolutely right sir. Actually that is exactly what I was telling Bhajji and Andy, when they were talking.

Procter: So Andy, what are your charges?

Andrew: Uncle...uncle... when Bret was returning after bowling a delivery, what I saw...that this Bhajji...he, uncle, patted Bret on his back side.

Procter: Bhajji, this is not decent. After all cricket is a gentle men's game. Why did you do that?

Harbhajan: I just wanted to patt him on the back to say that he is really bowling well. As there was no wicket falling, I thought I should give him some encouragement. Poor Aussies are not used to it. But as I am also not used to batting so long, I was tired and that's why my hand went a bit lower.

Procter: Ok, looks reasonable.

Ponting: But sir....

Procter: So Andy, what did you do then?

Andrew: Me uncle? I didn't had any choice but to intervene. Otherwise my hard earned reputation of Mr. Poke-My-Nose-In-Everything would have been ruined. So I told Bhajji that you should stop your indecent acts or I would complaint to Steve uncle. But he told me to f**k off and called me.....called me.....uh uh...a monkey.....uhuhuh...

Procter: Hmm...Bhajji this is a serious issue. Crowds in Mumbai did the same thing to Andy during thier last India tour. But you people got away with it.

Andrew: Uhuh....uhuh...

Procter: I must tell you that animal rights are very strict here in Australia. You cant abuse a monkey here and get away with it.

Ponting: But sir, this is a kind of racial abuse and not animal rights issue. You should take strict action.

Procter: Yeah Ponting, I was coming to that. Bhajji, did you call Andy a monkey?

Harbhajan: No sir, by god ki kasam! I will explain you everything. After I patted Bret, this monk...uhmm...I mean Andy started abusing me. I said who the hell are you to tell me anything when the guy I have patted is silent? So as we normally do in India, I told him "teri maan ki...". But even before I could complete it with the most important word, he said that I have called him a monkey. You are mai-baap. Now tell me if I have done something wrong?

Kumble: He is right sir. We use it like comma and full stop back in India. You should see during India-Pakistan match, hum kaise ek doosre ki maan-behan ek karte hain. There is nothing racial about it.

Procter: Sounds logical.

Ponting: But...

Harbhajan: No if...no but...sirf jatt...

Procter: Sachin, you were there in the middle. What do you say about the whole thing?

Sachin: I think we played well. And all the boys played well. The ball was coming on to the bat and I knew if I could hang in there for some time it would be lot easier to bat. In the end it is important that we played well as a team....

Procter: I was asking about the incident between Bhajji and Andy.

Sachin: Oh...aaila...I think, Bhajji is right. These things keep happening in the middle.

Procter: I think Bhajji abused Andy, but not racially. At least Australia should not complain about indecent on-field behavior.

Ponting: But sir...

Procter: So I dismiss the....

Harbhajan: (Jumping with joy) Oye...balle balle...(looking towards Procter) 0ye teri maan ki jai....

Procter: Maan-ki...monkey...you calling me a monkey! This is ridiculous. I ban Harbhajan for 3 test matches for racially abusing me...uhmm...I mean Andrew Symonds.

Andrew: Hurray...huray...thank you uncle...I love you uncle.

Ponting: Very good decision. No one should question my integrity.

Kumble: This is cheating. We are not playing. What do you think Sachin?

Sachin: I think we played well. And all the boys played well. The ball was coming on to the bat and I knew if I could hang in there for some time it would be lot easier to bat. In the end it is important that we played well as a team....

Kumble: Shut up Sachin! We will also complain to Pawar uncle.

Harbhajan: Tumhari maan ki ^*%$#.....{sensored}